Why do I write here? I ask myself sometimes. Do I not have family, friends, who have ready ears and open hearts?
I write here because here I write to everyone -- and in that way, to no one (only a letter away from "none"). My worries fall to no one mind, and no one soul holds any responsibility for my well-being.
This free ambiguity ... frees me. It is a reassurance to my conscience, for it lets me sidestep the guilt of unloading upon another for the purpose of my personal relief, and for it releases me from the obligation of juggling all the distinct nuances and taboos that come with a specific relationship with a specific person, which I must do so that I might be considered a good, kind, civil person who accomodates others' feelings at the expense of her own.
I talk always, and never listen; the relationship is purely unidirectional, and there is no relationship, because I am the only one who is relevant. I need not feel the charge to give because I have taken, because there are no one to give to and no one to take from. Whoever comes, reads or not reads, does so under their own will; and that will gives me absolution -- sweet, beautiful, precious absolution -- because I did not demand it and therefore there is no obligation of reciprocity.
Most importantly, this behaviour is the only standard; there is nothing greater to which to aspire, and there is nothing lesser to which to slip. Because there is no notion of success here, there is no possibility of failure, and that is very attractive to me.
Here, I can be petty and jealous and self-piteous and egocentric and purely, utterly monstrous and I need feel no sliver of remorse. Here, I shall not be compromised.
posted at 4:16:54 am
2. As "Americana" defines itself as artefacts of American culture, "Gloriana" consists of the artefacts of my culture.
home | contact | profile
art blogging body childhood consumerism dream durr family fashion film history humour internet language lit nerd people poetry rant romance school sex social relations toronto ttc work